As I have been trying my best to show my strongest side almost every day, this third child – who is now shouldering not only the name, but also responsibilities as the eldest child – meets the word weak at times too. In fact, a lot.
People often mistake me for the eldest children in the family, though I wasn’t born the oldest – yet now I am. As Sal Priadi’s ‘Gala Bunga Matahari’ tells us, my sisters might guard me like sunflowers that radiate brilliance in the garden – just as Bapak does.
Growing up as the eldest children means that I need to be brave enough to go everywhere by myself; brave enough to take public transportation alone every day since I was in junior high school; brave enough to face unpredictable situations while staying in a dormitory and being away from my family; brave enough to move alone as a university student; and brave enough to fly abroad by myself but with my closest one prayer that hug me, of course.
But who am I if I cant be the family brave girl?
Growing up as the eldest child means that I need to be strong enough to reach my unlimited dreams since I learned how to sing even before the word kindergarten entered my mind; strong enough to face the hurdles; and strong enough to take the train home alone when I couldn’t even say goodbye for the last time directly to my first love, who loved his family the most, Bapak.
But who am I if I cant be everybody’s strong girl?
But as the strong girl, I still can’t hold back the tears when I play Bapak’s voice recordings and watch our video calls that I’ve saved; I still try my best not to cry when I found out that he was archiving my documents because he’s the most caring Bapak ever; I still can’t believe that I didn’t know he had been hospitalized for two days because he didn’t want to disturb my thesis research; I still cry when I remember coming home without his smile to greet me; and I do that alone because if I cry, Mama will cry too. Should I call myself a strong eldest daughter, or should I say hello to the word weak?
Oh God, but I’m at least somebody’s strong girl, aren’t I?
Oh God, but is it okay to say that I’m Bapak’s strong girl, Mama’s brave girl, and my brother’s one call away sister?
In my mother’s words, just drag your heels and don’t you draw a line, be strong, girl
Strong girl, because
though the strong girl wasn’t there at first, she will eventually be there when the right time comes. For in the end, ‘strong girl’ isn’t a forever phrase; it’s a phase
